Funny Things Said in Court

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.


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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.


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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.


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Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.


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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.


Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?


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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about

it until the next morning?


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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?


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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?


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Q: Did he kill you?


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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?


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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?


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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?


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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?


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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice

which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.


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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.


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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.


Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

A: No.


Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.


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Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.



From a book called Disorder in the Courts:

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