Funny Announcements by Tube Drivers

Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground.

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'Stand clear of the doors!' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: 'Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?'."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... unfortunately towels are not provided."

"Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
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Best 3 American Presidents

In my view, the best 3 American Presidents were
  • Thomas Jefferson. The Author of the declaration of independence. Took over the Presidency when the opposition were restricting freedom of the press. On winning his bitterly contested election, Jefferson restored press freedoms. Thomas Jefferson also introduced bills in Virginia for Religious Freedom at a time when religious freedoms were rare.
“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”

- Thomas Jefferson
  • Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln strove to keep the American Union together. In doing so he was able to also defeat the pro slavery movement. Abraham Lincoln expressed some of the most memorable words for the dignity of human aspiration. Lincoln Quotes
"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds.... "

- Abraham Lincoln
See also: Top 100 people who changed the world
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Beatles Guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi Dies

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of the worldwide transcendental meditation movement TM, passed away recently, aged 91.

Born in India, the Maharishi, moved to the West and began teaching meditation in 1955. During the 1960s, the movement gained increased media attention as many such as the Beatles and other pop stars came to meditate with the Maharishi.

In the 1970s and 1980s, the transcendental meditation movement became practised throughout the world; it also became a profitable commercial enterprise. The Maharishi hoped and believed that through the widespread practise of meditation global peace would become more of a reality.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi Biography
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John Lennon Quotes

Quotes on religion by John Lennon


I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong.

Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
John Lennon

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
John Lennon

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.
John Lennon


Quotes on Peace by John Lennon



If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
John Lennon

If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must have been left behind in the Sixties, that's his problem. Love and peace are eternal.
John Lennon


Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one.
John Lennon

It doesn't matter how long my hair is or what colour my skin is or whether I'm a woman or a man.
John Lennon

Quotes on Life


Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
John Lennon

Possession isn't nine-tenths of the law. It's nine-tenths of the problem.
John Lennon

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
John Lennon

Rituals are important. Nowadays it's hip not to be married. I'm not interested in being hip.
John Lennon

Surrealism had a great effect on me because then I realised that the imagery in my mind wasn't insanity. Surrealism to me is reality.
John Lennon

The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that's making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?
John Lennon

The cross of the Legion of Honor has been conferred on me. However, few escape that distinction.
John Lennon

The more I see the less I know for sure.
John Lennon

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
John Lennon

Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough and you have to go and get shot or something.
John Lennon

He didn't come out of my belly, but my God, I've made his bones, because I've attended to every meal, and how he sleeps, and the fact that he swims like a fish because I took him to the ocean. I'm so proud of all those things. But he is my biggest pride.

Quotes on Love


Love is the answer, and you know that for sure; Love is a flower, you've got to let it grow.
John Lennon

Everything is clearer when you're in love.
John Lennon

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.


Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground.
John Lennon

Quotes on Music

It was like being in the eye of a hurricane. You'd wake up in a concert and think, Wow, how did I get here?
John Lennon


If you tried to give rock and roll another name, you might call it 'Chuck Berry'.
John Lennon

Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it.
John Lennon


Quotes on Society



My role in society, or any artist's or poet's role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all.
John Lennon

Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it.
John Lennon

Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty.
John Lennon


The postman wants an autograph. The cab driver wants a picture. The waitress wants a handshake. Everyone wants a piece of you.
John Lennon

Quotes on the Sixties



The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.
John Lennon

We were all on this ship in the sixties, our generation, a ship going to discover the New World. And the Beatles were in the crow's nest of that ship.
John Lennon
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Ian Paisley Quotes

Today at long last we are starting upon the road - I emphasise starting - which I believe will take us to lasting peace in our Province …
Today we salute Ulster's honored and unaging dead - the innocent victims, that gallant band, members of both religions, Protestant and Roman Catholic, strong in their allegiance to their differing political beliefs, Unionist and Nationalist, male and female, children and adults, all innocent victims of the terrible conflict …
I have sensed a great sigh of relief amongst all our people who want the hostility to be replaced with neighborliness …
I believe that Northern Ireland has come to a time of peace, a time when hate will no longer rule. How good it will be to be part of a wonderful healing in our Province.

Ian Paisley

Speech as First Minister at Stormont on return of devolution to Northern Ireland, May 8 2007.

People have come out of a dark tunnel and they can see there is a path out there for us. I think it has put a lot of faith and hope into people.
Ian Paisley
On eve of being sworn in as First Minister at the start of a new era of power sharing between DUP and Sinn Fein, May 7 2007.


I will never sit down with Gerry Adams . . . he'd sit with anyone. He'd sit down with the devil. In fact, Adams does sit down with the devil.
Ian Paisley
Independent, February 13 1997.

“Line dancing is as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is an incitement to lust.”

“You can't build the bridge of trust with the scaffolding of lies and underhand deals,” pre 2007

“There were no photographs, no detailed inventory, and no detail on the destruction of these arms. To describe today's statement as transparent would be the falsehood of the century,” pre 2007

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Ian Paisley Quotes

Today at long last we are starting upon the road - I emphasise starting - which I believe will take us to lasting peace in our Province …
Today we salute Ulster's honored and unaging dead - the innocent victims, that gallant band, members of both religions, Protestant and Roman Catholic, strong in their allegiance to their differing political beliefs, Unionist and Nationalist, male and female, children and adults, all innocent victims of the terrible conflict …
I have sensed a great sigh of relief amongst all our people who want the hostility to be replaced with neighborliness …
I believe that Northern Ireland has come to a time of peace, a time when hate will no longer rule. How good it will be to be part of a wonderful healing in our Province.

Ian Paisley

Speech as First Minister at Stormont on return of devolution to Northern Ireland, May 8 2007.

People have come out of a dark tunnel and they can see there is a path out there for us. I think it has put a lot of faith and hope into people.
Ian Paisley
On eve of being sworn in as First Minister at the start of a new era of power sharing between DUP and Sinn Fein, May 7 2007.


I will never sit down with Gerry Adams . . . he'd sit with anyone. He'd sit down with the devil. In fact, Adams does sit down with the devil.
Ian Paisley
Independent, February 13 1997.

“Line dancing is as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is an incitement to lust.”

“You can't build the bridge of trust with the scaffolding of lies and underhand deals,” pre 2007

“There were no photographs, no detailed inventory, and no detail on the destruction of these arms. To describe today's statement as transparent would be the falsehood of the century,” pre 2007
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Margaret Thatcher Quotes

Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country.

Margaret Thatcher

We want a society where people are free to make choices, to make mistakes, to be generous and compassionate. This is what we mean by a moral society; not a society where the state is responsible for everything, and no one is responsible for the state.

Margaret Thatcher

The woman's mission is not to enhance the masculine spirit, but to express the feminine; hers is not to preserve a man-made world, but to create a human world by the infusion of the feminine element into all of its activities.

Margaret Thatcher

Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. it's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's when you've had everything to do and you've done it.

Margaret Thatcher

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

Margaret Thatcher

Being prime minister is a lonely job... you cannot lead from the crowd.

Margaret Thatcher


Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and importance, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.
Margaret Thatcher

Europe was created by history. America was created by philosophy.
Margaret Thatcher

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.
Margaret Thatcher

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Margaret Thatcher

I am in politics because of the conflict between good and evil, and I believe that in the end good will triumph.
Margaret Thatcher

I do not know anyone who has got to the top without hard work. That is the recipe. It will not always get you to the top, but should get you pretty near.
Margaret Thatcher

I don't mind how much my Ministers talk, so long as they do what I say.
Margaret Thatcher

I just owe almost everything to my father and it's passionately interesting for me that the things that I learned in a small town, in a very modest home, are just the things that I believe have won the election.
Margaret Thatcher

I like Mr Gorbachev, we can do business together.

Margaret Thatcher

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Quotes by Bob Dylan

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.
Bob Dylan

A mistake is to commit a misunderstanding.
Bob Dylan

A poem is a naked person... Some people say that I am a poet.
Bob Dylan

A song is anything that can walk by itself.
Bob Dylan

All I can do is be me, whoever that is.
Bob Dylan

All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie.
Bob Dylan

All this talk about equality. The only thing people really have in common is that they are all going to die.
Bob Dylan

Basically you have to suppress your own ambitions in order to be who you need to be.
Bob Dylan

Being noticed can be a burden. Jesus got himself crucified because he got himself noticed. So I disappear a lot.
Bob Dylan

But even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked.
Bob Dylan

Chaos is a friend of mine.
Bob Dylan

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.
Bob Dylan

Don't matter how much money you got, there's only two kinds of people: there's saved people and there's lost people.
Bob Dylan

He not busy being born is busy dying.
Bob Dylan

I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.
Bob Dylan


I consider myself a poet first and a musician second. I live like a poet and I'll die like a poet.
Bob Dylan

I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be.
Bob Dylan

I don't think the human mind can comprehend the past and the future. They are both just illusions that can manipulate you into thinking theres some kind of change.
Bob Dylan

I have dined with kings, I've been offered wings. And I've never been too impressed.
Bob Dylan

I like America, just as everybody else does. I love America, I gotta say that. But America will be judged.
Bob Dylan

I say there're no depressed words just depressed minds.
Bob Dylan


I'm just glad to be feeling better. I really thought I'd be seeing Elvis soon.
Bob Dylan

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