Funny Announcements by Tube Drivers

Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground.

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'Stand clear of the doors!' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: 'Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?'."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... unfortunately towels are not provided."

"Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Perma Link | By: T Pettinger |

4 Comments:

Blogger Niriha said...

You Brits have a great sense of humor. It is interesting to imagine how the train conductors' comments created a sense of comradeship amongst the riders using humor as the link.

March 1, 2008 at 6:12 AM  
Blogger Niriha said...

Brits have a great sense of humor. It is interesting to imagine how many of these announcements served to create a sense of comradeship amongst the riders with humor as the link.

March 1, 2008 at 6:13 AM  
Anonymous Betty @ Fashion Handbags said...

Hilarious! Loved every one of them. I'm pretty sure I'd look forward to being on our train if our drivers were anything like them.

February 24, 2011 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger Alexandros said...

Once upon a time, a driver announced:
"Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome on board the underground. I will be your tour guide for today. For those looking out of the windows on the left hand side of the carriage you will see ... nothing! For those looking out of the windows on the right hand side you will see.. nothing! That's right ladies and gentlemen, we are underground!"

September 20, 2013 at 11:46 PM  

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