Funny Announcements by Tube Drivers

Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground.

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'Stand clear of the doors!' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: 'Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?'."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... unfortunately towels are not provided."

"Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
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John Lennon Quotes

Quotes on religion by John Lennon


I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong.

Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
John Lennon

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
John Lennon

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.
John Lennon


Quotes on Peace by John Lennon



If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
John Lennon

If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must have been left behind in the Sixties, that's his problem. Love and peace are eternal.
John Lennon


Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one.
John Lennon

It doesn't matter how long my hair is or what colour my skin is or whether I'm a woman or a man.
John Lennon

Quotes on Life


Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
John Lennon

Possession isn't nine-tenths of the law. It's nine-tenths of the problem.
John Lennon

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
John Lennon

Rituals are important. Nowadays it's hip not to be married. I'm not interested in being hip.
John Lennon

Surrealism had a great effect on me because then I realised that the imagery in my mind wasn't insanity. Surrealism to me is reality.
John Lennon

The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that's making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?
John Lennon

The cross of the Legion of Honor has been conferred on me. However, few escape that distinction.
John Lennon

The more I see the less I know for sure.
John Lennon

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
John Lennon

Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough and you have to go and get shot or something.
John Lennon

He didn't come out of my belly, but my God, I've made his bones, because I've attended to every meal, and how he sleeps, and the fact that he swims like a fish because I took him to the ocean. I'm so proud of all those things. But he is my biggest pride.

Quotes on Love


Love is the answer, and you know that for sure; Love is a flower, you've got to let it grow.
John Lennon

Everything is clearer when you're in love.
John Lennon

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.


Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground.
John Lennon

Quotes on Music

It was like being in the eye of a hurricane. You'd wake up in a concert and think, Wow, how did I get here?
John Lennon


If you tried to give rock and roll another name, you might call it 'Chuck Berry'.
John Lennon

Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it.
John Lennon


Quotes on Society



My role in society, or any artist's or poet's role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all.
John Lennon

Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it.
John Lennon

Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty.
John Lennon


The postman wants an autograph. The cab driver wants a picture. The waitress wants a handshake. Everyone wants a piece of you.
John Lennon

Quotes on the Sixties



The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.
John Lennon

We were all on this ship in the sixties, our generation, a ship going to discover the New World. And the Beatles were in the crow's nest of that ship.
John Lennon
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Ian Paisley Quotes

Today at long last we are starting upon the road - I emphasise starting - which I believe will take us to lasting peace in our Province …
Today we salute Ulster's honored and unaging dead - the innocent victims, that gallant band, members of both religions, Protestant and Roman Catholic, strong in their allegiance to their differing political beliefs, Unionist and Nationalist, male and female, children and adults, all innocent victims of the terrible conflict …
I have sensed a great sigh of relief amongst all our people who want the hostility to be replaced with neighborliness …
I believe that Northern Ireland has come to a time of peace, a time when hate will no longer rule. How good it will be to be part of a wonderful healing in our Province.

Ian Paisley

Speech as First Minister at Stormont on return of devolution to Northern Ireland, May 8 2007.

People have come out of a dark tunnel and they can see there is a path out there for us. I think it has put a lot of faith and hope into people.
Ian Paisley
On eve of being sworn in as First Minister at the start of a new era of power sharing between DUP and Sinn Fein, May 7 2007.


I will never sit down with Gerry Adams . . . he'd sit with anyone. He'd sit down with the devil. In fact, Adams does sit down with the devil.
Ian Paisley
Independent, February 13 1997.

“Line dancing is as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is an incitement to lust.”

“You can't build the bridge of trust with the scaffolding of lies and underhand deals,” pre 2007

“There were no photographs, no detailed inventory, and no detail on the destruction of these arms. To describe today's statement as transparent would be the falsehood of the century,” pre 2007

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